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Fri, Mar. 25th, 2005, 02:21 pm
Dating!
Ok, it's been over a week and at date 4, so I think I can say something here without jinxing it now. I appears to be Dating Someone. :) And it's -not- someone from work, yay! :) In fact, it's someone from church. You know, the place where I said "there are no single Unitarian Universalists"? Apparently, that was sufficiently close to the Goddess's Rule Of Never Saying Never that the Irony Police benefitted me for once! :) Not doing anything but taking it day-by-day right now, but they've been some really nice days. :)
For those who knew, there was the original TGAW that I used to talk about in this journal, who I am extremely close to but who decidedly ended up a Just Friends person - we checked again, right before Christmas, and still agree that it's a brain-sharing and sibling-like relationship, not a romance. No problem there; intimate friends of the opposite gender are darned nice to have. However, there was this Other guy at work (let's call him Mr. Almost, perhaps?) who this fall looked like he was going to be in a relationship with me as soon as my divorce was final. But noooo, he started dating someone else in late Nov. / early Dec. (Someone who works down the hall from us, no less. Talk about a few awkward meetings, because apparently she knew that I also was after him and knew when I found out about their relationship. I mean, we're nice to each other and all, but it's decidedly strained at times. :P) So after being really, really broken-hearted about that, even though by all rights we're not compatible and would have been disasterous anyway... He said he definitely was going to be hurt if his and my friendship went away. Well, no problem, I have to work somewhat closely with him until I move on to the new project in March anyway, so it behooves us to be courteous and friendly. Except... he's being really friendly again, about like he was back when it was an almost-relationship. Yet as far as I know he's still dating her, even though she rarely comes down to our office area and talks to him (perhaps because she's not comfortable with workplace romance? perhaps because of me, who knows?). Yet it doesn't matter if he is being attentive again, because it would not be a good relationship anyway. (Well, parts of it would be great while it lasted, given the amount of sheer chemistry there - wow. I mean, I had intellectual chemistry with TGAW. With Mr Almost there is just pure physical stomach-fluttering weak-kneed atavistic GIRL response. Which is funny because he's attractive, but not knock your socks off attractive. It's just, well, chemistry. Who can understand it?) As someone wise once told me, "Wet panties are not a good basis for life-changing decisions." And he's probably just being friendly (even though it seems like every time he's stressed it's me he looks to for comfort, and every time there's a triumph to share, and his eyes still dance...) I gotta not think about it, not analyze it; I need to just let him go, and remember that I won't be working with him in a few months at most, which will get temptation out of the way. So why does my heart flutter so much still? p.s. Much more generic post at my other blog, http://trainingchyk.blogspot.com - comments there are welcome as well...
Fri, Dec. 24th, 2004, 12:40 am
Look, I live...
To all of you, I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth. It's been an... interesting year. First, I'm newly blogging at http://trainingchyk.blogspot.com - you're welcome to visit me there. Be aware that it's primarily philosophy and politics. I think perhaps it might be most useful for me to post the message I posted to my clan in August to start off: August 2004: I have been pretty quiet and out of touch recently, I know. So I thought I'd share some stuffs, if anyone out there has an interest. If not, feel free to return to your regularly scheduled e-mail. :) Work is still pretty much all-consuming and will be until April 2006. No, I'm not kidding. That's how long I'm signed on to this project for, and it really does take that much time and energy. It's exciting - I'm given lots of responsibility, and am pretty much universally respected and praised for my abilities, which is an extremely novel concept for me in the workplace environment and I must say I'm thriving on it, even when it does mean I'm writing procedural documents at 2 AM (and YES, I've really done that over the last couple months, more than once!). I'm trying very hard not to give up my other committments, but they are definitely down to minimal energy. If anyone feels I should more formally take a leave of absence or anything like that, please don't feel shy about addressing it with me. I don't want people to think I don't care, but I also am realistic about my energy levels, and want people to be honest about what they need from me versus what I am capable of giving. I also took an honest assessment of the more personal parts of my life and decided it's really time to give myself the opportunity to move forward instead of sitting in a holding pattern. I watched Dag with Branwedd when she came to visit last month, and have heard him on the phone with her/in computer chat with her, and I think that anyone who can't see that those two are still goofy in love with each other is blind. :) And I realized that I want the opportunity to find someone I can be goofy in love with too, perhaps, someday. So while no living arrangement changes or filed papers are happening immediately due to little needs like, oh, medical insurance, at some point we will completely split up, I will free him to marry her, and I will be "back on the market" as they say. :) I've made a couple approaches to people at work and discovered that no one wants to date someone until they're really all the way divorced (understandable. Disappointing, but understandable) so I think it's in my best interests to eventually get that way. :) Interestingly, I have no interest in casual sex or polyamory now (sorry to the sex-positive crowd out there). I don't know if it's that I'm 36-and-a-half, or just that I've been there, done that, but I kinda want to wait until it's special now. And I've figured out that I have no way of figuring out how or where the lightning strikes, as I've had it hit with people who don't seem on the surface to be much alike at all, and there have been many people who on paper are perfect mates with me who there's just no chemistry with. So, I think this is where I get to learn my lesson about 'trust' - to trust God to be weaving this story where it needs to go. Ah, yes, God. I also have come to the conclusion that, while I'm not completely changing my practices, I'm going to use less labels to describe my own spirituality. A common theme among people with whom I've had that afore-mentioned lightning strike is that I have some sort of religious conflict with them. When a theme runs through your life repeatedly, it's a karmic lesson you need to learn, and it's something in yourself. And I think mine is that I only have conflict when I try to put my beliefs in a box and get out the label-maker. What my core belief, the center of my soul, is is my relationship with That Which Is, whatever one calls Him/Her/Them. The practices have changed. The structures have changed. The names I've used have changed. The relationship has never changed. It is the center of who and what I am, and that is perhaps the only point of my life that is unchanging, especially lately. So don't panic if, for example, you don't see the pentacle around my neck. The chain of the necklace is still there, and that's my "wedding ring to God" as I put it once, years and years ago (when I still used a different name for God). But I don't want to be limited by the words or the symbols now. Along with this, you'll also see me going by Suzanne more than Cecylyna, I suspect, as I try to do a better job of incorporating all of who and what I am into one "self" and not setting one part aside with a special name/label. -=-=-=- That was the starting point. Since then I've formally resigned as priestess, filled out my divorce paperwork (though it's not through yet, it should be soonish), failed in an almost-relationship with a co-worker (darnit!), and am pretty much ready to move forward with a new life that I suspect will be different in many ways from the old. And while it's scary and all, it's also exciting. Feel free to email me at trainingchyk at yahoo dot com if you want to chat!
I'm going over to our global business integration project to be part of a new team that will be rolling out a new overall system for manufacturing. I'm going to be a training assistant, working with documentation and training and maintaining the system that documents everyone's training history. I'm quite excited! It's not a promotion, darn; but it's a very good chance for a future promotion, and a good fit for my skills, and it will be OFF THE PHONES and OUT OF SUPPORT! Wow! I'll start sometime in January, depending on when we can arrange the transition. It does mean I leave people I like. But, it's really my best career option, and is a chance to do some completely new things. More details later, but... wow. I'm finally going to be out of the help desk.
Dang, I just keep getting busier. :) Busyer? The spelling does not look right on that tonight...Was out of town this weekend at the Lake Michigan Pagan Conference, which went wonderfully but was exhausting - came up with the Storyteller Wicca 3rd Degree and ran Dag through it Friday night before, then had the conference all day Saturday, got back v. late, was at church Sunday, then D&D Sunday afternoon, and Initiate Council Sunday night. So I'm still recuperating. I was going to try to write this month, but are you kidding? Nonetheless, I've had a further divine mandate, for lack of a better word, to get this done, so I will, but who knows when. Maybe over Christmas break, ha ha. :) Good news! I can post for jobs at work! Finally! I have an interview December 4 for a position that would be 1) off the phones, 2) doing some database maintenance & file transfer control, 3) be supervising a team in terms of assigning workload (which I used to do as site coordinator and miss that level of responsibility), 4) be writing documentation and performing training, and 5) it'd be a promotion and raise! So send good energy; I could use it. (And, it's only be a few floors away from the helpdesk. Which means I could still have lunch occasionally with who I have lunch with now. Which would be nice.)And, I wanted to post this. I went to someone's blog who was searching about spirituality and the UU church. Me being who and what I am, I had to respond. So I thought I'd share it here, as I said I was going to try to post more philosophy... ( It's the journey, not the destinationCollapse )
The prior link was my application. Here is the "sermon" I wrote to "audition". It was supposed to be 5 minutes; I think it was more like 10. But it seemed to be well-received anyway... (Please remember also that this was written to be the text of something spoken, so it's not my best -writing-. I wanted to be able to sound somewhat natural reading it.) ( The Secret Garden of PluralityCollapse )
Whatever is wrong with Catri, it's not any of the big systemic problems - her tests all came back normal. They don't think it was a sprain, because it acts like an inflammatory problem - is worse in the morning, gets better with activity through the day, rather than the other way around, which is what a sprain usually does. Now, this means we don't know why she's generally feeling tired, headachy, and crummy, running low-grade fevers, and having the knee pain to begin with - but it doesn't look to be anything big like JRA or lupus, which I really, really was afraid the symptoms pointed towards as big possibilities. And heck, I'm used to living with the low-grade crummies Thanks to all who sent energy...
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